Nature Heals… But Not Enough to Make Me Care About KPIs Again
“Sitting here watching the sun set, and nothing like this view to make me think: how can I maximize shareholder value?”
That’s what I thought last week while staring at a peach-colored sky over an ocean so calm it made me question the meaning of urgency. I wasn’t thinking about KPIs. I wasn’t innovating. I wasn’t thriving in a fast-paced environment. I was just…existing. Quietly. Still. And for once, that felt like enough.
But here’s the problem. The world I was trying to take a break from? It doesn’t know what to do with that kind of stillness. And it certainly doesn’t reward it.
Nature Isn’t a Productivity Tool (But Capitalism Will Try Anyway)
We’re told to “get out into nature” when we’re burnt out. The implication being: if you just touch enough grass, maybe you’ll come back loving Google Sheets again.
There’s even research behind it, a 2023 study from Yale confirms that nature exposure can reduce cortisol levels and improve mental health outcomes. Great. Beautiful. Love that for us. But here’s what those articles never mention: once I feel that calm, the last thing I want to do is come back to a sprint planning meeting where someone says, “Let’s circle back after lunch and synergize.”
Because when the nervous system stops screaming, you suddenly realize how insane it is to spend your life writing emails that say “just bumping this to the top of your inbox.”
Nature isn’t a break from work.
Work is a break from reality.
Source: Yale Environment 360, “How Immersion in Nature Benefits Your Health,” 2023
I Took a Vacation and Came Back with Existential Dread
You know what happens when you truly disconnect?
You realize your job is not a personality. Your Slack status isn’t your soul. And your job title? It’s just a fancy name for paid hostage with benefits.
I laid in a hammock for 12 hours straight. I ate food that didn’t come in plastic. I stared at the stars until my neck hurt. And somewhere in between not checking email and not pretending to care about market trends, I thought:
“Oh. I’ve been tricked. This is life. Not the KPI dashboards. Not the Teams calls. This.”
And then I returned to 97 unread messages and a calendar that looked like Tetris played by Satan.
A Forbes article literally says “taking a vacation boosts productivity” which is code for: “we only support your rest if it makes you a more obedient worker when you come back.”
That’s not rest. That’s battery charging for a machine you don’t even believe in anymore.
Source: Forbes, “Time Off Is The Secret To Higher Productivity,” 2022
The System Treats You Like a Phone
You ever notice how we talk about people like they’re devices?
- “Recharge your energy.”
- “Optimize your workflow.”
- “Low bandwidth today!”
- “Let’s plug in for a sync.”
Cool, so am I a human being or an iPhone with trauma?
Because it feels like we’re all expected to plug into nature for a few days, then return with the enthusiasm of a golden retriever intern. Meanwhile, the actual animals in the woods (squirrels, birds, bears) none of them are optimizing anything. They’re just living.
Animals don’t hustle.
Trees don’t monetize their growth.
The ocean doesn’t hold quarterly business reviews.
And maybe… just maybe, the point of rest isn’t to “come back better.” Maybe it’s to realize you never needed to leave in the first place.
I’m Not Lazy — I’m Just Not Interested in Performing Wellness
Here’s the kicker: the system doesn’t want you to rest. It wants you to perform rest.
You’re allowed to go on vacation, just make sure you come back “invigorated.” You’re allowed to meditate, as long as it helps you “stay productive.” You’re allowed to rest but if you stop grinding altogether, we start calling it “quiet quitting.”
We’re not healing. We’re just beautifying our breakdowns for LinkedIn.
As Anne Helen Petersen wrote in her book Can’t Even, burnout isn’t about doing too much. It’s about the system making “self-worth synonymous with productivity.” So when you stop being productive, you stop feeling worthy.
Maybe I didn’t come back from vacation ready to work because work isn’t where I feel worthy.
Maybe my worth is in the stillness, not the sprint.
Source: Petersen, A.H., Can’t Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation, 2020
What I Learned (That HR Wouldn’t Approve Of)
I thought a few days off would bring me back refreshed. Instead, I came back allergic to Outlook.
Here’s what I actually learned:
- My body doesn’t run on deadlines. It runs on sunlight, silence, and non-urgent snacks.
- “Productivity” is a cult, and I’d like to unsubscribe.
- The idea that we should rest only to work better is like saying we should eat only to have energy for meetings.
Rest is not a strategy. Rest is a birthright.
When Did Peace Become Rebellious?
When did staring at the ocean become an act of protest?
When did saying “I’m tired” start sounding like a personal failure?
When did we start calling burnout normal, and vacation a cure — instead of a warning sign?
Here’s the truth I found in the trees, in the waves, in the silence:
I don’t want to be recharged. I want to be released.
From the pressure. From the performance. From the expectation that rest should make me more useful, instead of more whole.
And if that makes me unproductive? Good.
Because I didn’t take a vacation to come back better. I took it to remember I’m a person.
